Hi! My name is Jesus! I love you all, but unless you give me all your time, devotion and money, I'll send you to rot in hell with all the bigamists, treasonists, and people who cut in line! But don't worry, because even when I've sent you to lie screaming in pain as millions of white-hot pokers stab every inch of your body, I still love you!

And remember, the Constitution is a bunch of lies made by the liberal Jews in colonial Hollywood! There's no separation of church and state! I am the state!

Also, sex is forbidden in all its forms! Cloning is the only way that the human race can survive! So get cracking, scientists!

One last thing: if any of your friends don't believe in me, well fuck them! You're a Jesus Warrior, so you were created better than them! And when they start using their evil "logic" and "science", just laugh at them, because I'll eventually give them over to the demons, and then you'll be able to stand in heaven, laughing your holy asses off at their eternal torment! Haha!

Oh, and the Bible is true. Don't believe those atheist-folk. They cut themselves and cry while they masterbate, and they all worship Satan and smoke devil-lettuce while they watch Martin Scorcese movies! The bastards!

Remember, unless you're a Jew, a fag, or a liberal, I love you!

-- JESUS