Bible is the Funniest Book in Literary History
Offline I believe everyone should read the Christian bible, because we need more atheists in America. David Cross, a atheist and brilliant comedian, had a routine about how the bible is the funniest book ever. Go steal that, or keep reading to get the idea (I suggest hearing the actual thing).
Basically, David Cross points out that the whole bible is so absurd that no sane person should believe any part of it is true. Explaining how an omnipotent being, capable of doing whatever it desires, gets tired after 6 days of work. He goes on to point out that god made New York and LA, Japan, Africa, Asia, the whole shebang, and puts one dude on it. JUST ONE. I have to say I completely agree with him. Funny book. Qur' an is a laugh and a half also, if you haven't read it.
The Bible is not humorous to me.. it is the most inspiring, encouraging book ever written.
~John 14:6
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father except through Me."
~Ephesians 6:24
Grace be with all those who love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity. Amen.
I have to say it is inspiring. But if we are to take only two quotes, these are mine:
Deut 7:5-6 (NIV) This is what you are to do to them: Break down their altars, smash their sacred stones, cut down their Asherah poles and burn their idols in the fire. For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.
Lev 26:30 (NIV) I will destroy your high places, cut down your incense altars and pile your dead bodies on the lifeless forms of your idols, and I will abhor you.
seems like it is meant to inspire you... to wreck people's lives.
I enjoy that part about killing men, women, children and taking virgins as slaves and perhaps that other one with smashing the heads of infants.
I know! That part was a Classic! just kidding...
I have to say that the Christian Bible manages to contradict itself on every big philosophical issue: They Killed, Stole, raped, even commit Infanticide multiple times IN THE BIBLE! This is why it is so funny. People still believe in this book! It is as if the three stooges went from slap- stick comedy to serious arthritis. Tragically funny. But you still can get a chuckle or two if you have a certain sense of humor.
Actually it was because they worshipped idols that God was stirred to a righteous anger against them. He allowed these calamities (murder, plunder, etc.) to happen to them because they weren't trusting in Him. We see it happening all throughout the history of the world.
They worshipped idols, He allowed them to be attacked. They were plundered and murdered, yet His intervention was unwanted, so why should He be expected to intervene?
John 3:16
"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
1 John 4:10
This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins
That is not the behaviour of an omnibenovolent entity.He is supposed to be [i]ALL[/i] good, not "sometimes when it suits my needs and wants" good.
Good point. I was expecting the invisible pink unicorn to trample God and take control of the universe away while people got savaged and killed, because, of course, God is a nice dude...
Invisible Pink Unicorn, fyi:
[url=http://]www.invisiblepinkunicorn.com[/url]
[quote]Actually it was because they worshipped idols that God was stirred to a righteous anger against them. He allowed these calamities (murder, plunder, etc.) to happen to them because they weren't trusting in Him. We see it happening all throughout the history of the world.
They worshipped idols, He allowed them to be attacked. They were plundered and murdered, yet His intervention was unwanted, so why should He be expected to intervene?[/quote]
[i]Allowed?[/i]
"The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebeled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open." Hosea 13:16
[quote]
". . .their pregnant women ripped open." Hosea 13:16[/quote]
BIBLE ABORTION!
[quote=Whitecrow][quote][i]Allowed?[/i]
"The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebeled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open." Hosea 13:16[/quote]
Yeah, I gotta say that it seems like God directly had his hand in this pie, not just letting someone else get caught stealing it. But that's enough of my bad metaphores.
To say the entire Bible is a joke is rediculous. If you read the Passions, and aren't stirred to shed a tear, there's something inherently wrong with you. Even if you don't believe. The IMMENSITY of sacrifice, and the Word made Flesh...It's truly one of the planet's most epic tales of tragedy and faith!
SERIOUSLY!
Don't make me explain it. PLEASE.
I don't know, for a novel, I didn't like it. It starts bad, right off the bat. It tells you what happens, then goes back and tells you a different way it happened. I think only 'The Usual Suspects' could pull that trick off, but they had a good ending. When Abraham begat Phyllis, who begat billy, who begat HoppenStein, who begat some other dude, I just about fell asleep. Where is the epic story? Did I sleep through it?
Some parts are interesting, but I in no way find stories about a invisible man making rules no one can obey, having ONE EFFING DUDE obey them, and then killing him. I am all about charity, and if god wants to not punish people, I won't demand that this invisible man does, but don't pay out of the pocket of the one dude who doesn't break the rules! That is the LEAST just thing to do. And yes, Jesus did say something about not wanting to be beaten and killed. Something like, If anyone else can fill this ----, let it be them. I know I completely butchered it, but I don't carry a Bible on me. Anyone who finds that one, go ahead and post it. I think it was in one of the Gospels (may be wrong).
It's not a novel so much as it is a collection of short stories.
[quote=UltraWill]It's not a novel so much as it is a collection of short stories.[/quote]
Good rebuttal.
Was that sarcasm? Excuse me no matter the answer, I am just not good at reading sarcasm.
Anyhow, I meant as a literary piece, not technically a novel (although I have been told it is a novel, to which I ask who the main character is. Humanity? Nearly got killed in the first couple of pages! That is a hell of a denuemont) *joking about specifics of plot incoherency*.
I'm just saying, it's a huge collection of Jewish folklore and then a group of writings from a group of people explaining a very important turning point in history.
I highly doubt they all sat down and thought "What would be a great sequel to the Moses story huh?" "Should we give Jesus dreads?" "I really think we ought to edit out the geneology!"
Whether you believe it's inspired by God or not is a different question entirely.
But, oh, they did!
[url=http://]www.tertullian.org/rpearse/nicaea.html[/url]
I heard this a long time ago, but this is a good link. Also check out Wiki, if you want the details.
EDIT: They may not have covered the infamous Should- Jesus- Have- Dreads debate, but they could have easily edited out the genealogy.
There are many versions of the Bible, the Torah, and various texts that were ommited from the New Testament, the Apocrypha. You're talking about a huge edit, true, but it wasn't an initial desicion by the authors of the books of the Bible to consciously write a flowing novel upheld by standards and tastes of 2006.
I'll be honest here, that might hurt me in the image of a skeptic, but I'll be honest. For someone who read the Iliad and the Odyssey and the Epic of Gilgamesh and reads history and archaeology books in his free time- I found the Bible too be mind boggingly boring. I read the gospels- I guess they're a classic, and as I tried going through Genesis I got to about half of it and gave up. How is this the most inspiration book in all of history? I have no clue.
But as for being emotional? Well... Shakespeare induces emotion we dont say that Shakespeare was divine. I think the most humane thing to do when reading (or trying to read) the Bible is to attribute it's origin to it's true writers- fallible humans.
Shakespear is trash. God being sacrificed for a failed race > Romeo emosuicide over Juliette, PERIOD. I'm sure you would have hated all those epics if you approached them the same way (I presume) you approached the Bible.
Your right, Romeo and Juliet is kinda boring, but I really enjoyed A Midsummer Night's Dream. The plot was intricate, the wording a bit out of style, but both are more true in the bible anyhow. And I have to say, the bible just isn't believable. How can you have suspension of disbelief when there are so many confusing contradictions. If jesus was God, what was the deal with the whole praying thing? Jesus prayed so intensely once that he starting bleeding. If that wasn't Emo, I don't know what is (God is a cutter, lol).
I heard King Lear is excellent also.
Can't say I agree there. Reading Shakespear is the equivalent to watching the OC. Rich teens with "problems." And Frankly none of them were believable, even moreso than the Bible! I don't see why you not believing in the Bible is causing you to disrespect the stories presented in the Bible. If you ask me, a God becoming Man, and having such a hard time with his destiny that he questions his divinity? It can't get any more epic than that. For real. It's BEYOND proper comprehension ("Oh that must be because it can not be true LOL!" -no). The only thing that Shakespear spewed out that was of any relevance to the world were a FEW of his sonnets. Dude was frankly dull and without original ideas. He gets way too much credit for what he did.
[quote=UltraWill]Shakespear is trash. God being sacrificed for a failed race > Romeo emosuicide over Juliette, PERIOD. I'm sure you would have hated all those epics if you approached them the same way (I presume) you approached the Bible.[/quote]
Hamlet > Any dead hippie hanging from a tree. But that aside- you mean I was wrong for approaching the ancient epics and the Bible in the same objective method? Hm. Not really.
You're quite right on the epic part of it though- http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_jcpa4.htm
And Shakespeare was about as original as the original Bible authors- http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_jcpa.htm
I don't think that the Bible is all that funny; though there are some verses that crack me up..
"Behold I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces" Malachi 2:3
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses" Ezekiel 23:20
"Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" 2 Kings 18:27
Look up "The Bricktestament", if you want to see these acted out with legos... It is hilarious.
BTW, Shakespeare is way funnier than the Bible, and he is a far greater writer.. His humor is subtle though, which not everyone likes.
I don't come from a Christian background; I found the Bible incredibly absurd. I think most believers tend to focus on only the few "good" parts, ignoring the insane verses, like when Jesus puts a curse on the poor fig tree for not having fruit (when it wasn't the season!)
You're saying GOD isn't allowed to kill ONE PLANT in order to illustrate a point?
Why does an all-powerful god even need to "illustrate a point"? God could take over people's minds and make them believe in whatever he wants them to. (And please don't bring up the freewill thing - if god knows everything that will happen in the future, how can we have freewill?)
What would have been the point of creation?
And "Hamlet > Any dead hippie hanging from a tree."
What. I....don't think you're grasping the INSANELY OBVIOUS emotional context of the Passion. As opposed to the obsurdly predictable "everything goes to sh*t" tragedy of Hamlet. "OH NO! daddy died!" "IT WAS QUITE OBVIOUSLY YOUR UNK, YO." "RAGE RAGE RAGE!!!" "WOOPS everybody died lol."
"you mean I was wrong for approaching the ancient epics and the Bible in the same objective method? Hm. Not really."
Because I'm sure you read ancient epics with a fine toothed comb saying "HOW CAN ANYONE BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED?!"
"You're quite right on the epic part of it though"
Yes. I know. Hence my argument against the thread title.
"And Shakespeare was about as original as the original Bible authors"
An intricate besting of previous epics and religions is a bit more profound and original than Shakespear's hackneyed love stories and tragedies.
"BTW, Shakespeare is way funnier than the Bible, and he is a far greater writer.. His humor is subtle though, which not everyone likes."
A lot of Shakespear's humor was a lot more relevant to his times. While highschool reading books have all the footnotes to the side, a big number of people apparently understood it much more clearly back then. Shakespear is considered great simply because he writes to appeal to everyone. All his plays jerk at the most common emotions and hardly touch any emotions more complex than love, hate and sadness. Frankly, I've never been wowwed by Shakespear, and I've never been in any plays that were as boring as playing in his. THAT'S INCLUDING DRACULA.
Who, honestly, cares about Shakespeare? I do not think it applies to this point at all. The point I will make to substitute that one is that there are some 'good' books (i.e. 1984, Time Machine, Moby Dick) that I would feel much more appropriate to worship (nothing actually is appropriate to worship though).
The bible is ridiculous in it's attention to detail. It is very precise in making sure you can believe it is true. It was intended as a tenement of belief, not as a literary work. So, when judged as a literary work, it falls behind standards. The REAL classics, ones that are original and don't have the same old stories that have been used over and over, like Shakespeare or the Bible, THOSE are the ones that we should compare it to.
FTW, this is why each of those books is one of the best in all of history:
Moby Dick is a story of a man trying to live in a world without a God.
1984 shows that humans will not always be able to save themselves from a tragic fate.
Time Machine shows us that things change, and you may not be able to control everything, no matter what.
I think I'll drop Shakespeare and defer to what Josh is saying, you obviously dont understand the true worth of Shakespeare and are extremely biased to a different book... that's even more painful to read. In all honesty though, the gospels get repetitive by about the second one... actually they get repetitive even in the beginning- it's just plain dull. Sure you can plaster me with these tragic figures and themes and worried- but writing style sucks... badly. Though the Flood story was kinda neat- the whole rainbow and all and Noah lying around naked...
Anyway, no I dont comb through epics. I read them for entertainment and I guess "culture," and to get a sense of perspective of how the ancient people saw and portrayed their world- kinda like the Bible! But as for hinting to some transcended power, there's nothing like that in them.
"but writing style sucks... badly."
Because you read each book of the bible in the original language it was written in huh? I gotta say, you're really motivated! Also, the bible was written over the course of 1-2 thousand years, depending on your take on the Dead Sea Scrolls. It's DEFINATELY more informative on a cultures view on the world and the unknown than an traditional epic.
No, did you? Even the New American Version translation is dull.
Of course I haven't, which is precisely why I won't be critiquing their writing styles!
Just curious, have you read any version of the bible cover to cover?
To be honest Josh, david cross is hilarious and i have shut up you fucking baby!, but he is a comedian, even though he puts his views into it, i'm sure he doesn't say every part is, and just because an atheist says something is hilarious you go along and say it is too? sad, seems like you just think it's cool to counter culture. , to say all parts of the bible are ridiculous is just ignorant and childlike, i mean, this is a teen forum but, just saying it's funny by what he says isn't anything, it's actually pretty moronic, to try and go towards a better humanity without religon is one thing, but by saying "DERRRR BIBLE IS FUNNYYY LOOL" is just stupid, so if you have some things to say about the bible, at least point out the flaws or something, haha i don't know if you have even read it through by the way you speak, you sound really pretentious
Hey JoshHickman, check this bible verse out.
"His breasts are full of milk."--Job 21:24
I particularly like this one -
And the ten horns which thou sawest upon the beast, these shall hate the whore, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with fire. - Revelation 17:16:17
A lot of the bible is ignorant and childish. I am obviously not saying people should kill each other just because other people say I shouldn't. But it is quite obvious that having millions of people (billions? I know this is borderline 2 billion) believe in all of that crap as the word of God is pretty funny. The book just fails to be even a mediocre guide to living.
Do you really think you will ever be able to get the theist respect with that sort of attitude? How will we ever even talk to them with people like you mocking there way of life?
I completely understand the need for being nice, but I am TECHNICALLY not saying it isn't true. God could have a sense of humor.
I think most Christians (most I have talked to, and I go to a christian college) realize that it isn't literally true. I guess most people think that the translators back in the day forgot to finish:
This is the inspired word of God...
Just kidding! This is an allegory!
I really don't know what is going on in their heads, but most people don't buy into all of the bullcrap foisted on them.
[quote=domakesaythink]To be honest Josh, david cross is hilarious and i have shut up you fucking baby!, but he is a comedian, even though he puts his views into it, i'm sure he doesn't say every part is, and just because an atheist says something is hilarious you go along and say it is too? sad, seems like you just think it's cool to counter culture. , to say all parts of the bible are ridiculous is just ignorant and childlike, i mean, this is a teen forum but, just saying it's funny by what he says isn't anything, it's actually pretty moronic, to try and go towards a better humanity without religon is one thing, but by saying "DERRRR BIBLE IS FUNNYYY LOOL" is just stupid, so if you have some things to say about the bible, at least point out the flaws or something, haha i don't know if you have even read it through by the way you speak, you sound really pretentious [/quote]
No, I wouldn't say that the name of this thread is moronic, although I would say it is rather immature. What IS moronic, however, is an almost total and complete lack of grammatical skills and grasp of the english language. The first part of this is almost incomprehensible.
In truth, it was meant to get a response. I personally think Dave Berry is much funnier.
[quote=Dante626][quote=domakesaythink]To be honest Josh, david cross is hilarious and i have shut up you fucking baby!, but he is a comedian, even though he puts his views into it, i'm sure he doesn't say every part is, and just because an atheist says something is hilarious you go along and say it is too? sad, seems like you just think it's cool to counter culture. , to say all parts of the bible are ridiculous is just ignorant and childlike, i mean, this is a teen forum but, just saying it's funny by what he says isn't anything, it's actually pretty moronic, to try and go towards a better humanity without religon is one thing, but by saying "DERRRR BIBLE IS FUNNYYY LOOL" is just stupid, so if you have some things to say about the bible, at least point out the flaws or something, haha i don't know if you have even read it through by the way you speak, you sound really pretentious [/quote]
No, I wouldn't say that the name of this thread is moronic, although I would say it is rather immature. What IS moronic, however, is an almost total and complete lack of grammatical skills and grasp of the english language. The first part of this is almost incomprehensible.
[/quote]I'm sorry i forgot the intelligence of one is shown through typing formal on a forum, it seems to me that whatever i say it will be wrong because of my grammar, i will try and use better grammar when i am posting on a forum to make me sound better for you guys okay?
It isn't a way to insult you. I really do have a hard time understanding what you have to say.